Why Your Ex Comes Back: Benjamin Zulu Explains the 'Avoidant Cycle' and the Power of Moving On

In a powerful and emotionally resonant commentary, renowned relationship and marriage coach Benjamin Zulu has unpacked a familiar yet often misunderstood phenomenon: why an ex who left abruptly often resurfaces months or even years later. According to Zulu, it’s rarely about rekindled love or newfound appreciation—but rather the haunting return of the avoidant cycle.

“They didn’t leave because they truly saw your worth,” Zulu explains. “They left because their ego needed an escape, and they convinced themselves that the grass would be greener elsewhere.”

Zulu describes this pattern as a psychological cycle, particularly common among avoidant personalities—individuals who resist emotional closeness and often self-sabotage in intimate relationships.

The Cycle Unpacked

1. Relief and Justification
   After the breakup, the avoidant ex often feels an initial wave of relief. They mentally itemize your flaws to justify their exit, believing that ending things was the best move for their “freedom” or “peace.”

2. Shallow Escapes
   “They run to rebound flings or superficial relationships,” Zulu notes. “At first, these new connections seem exciting—fresh, fun, and effortless. But what they offer is the elusive 20% that your relationship may have lacked.”

   Zulu draws on the popular 80/20 relationship rule, which suggests that a solid relationship meets 80% of a person’s needs, while external temptations usually only fulfill the missing 20%.

3. The Curiosity Phase
   When the thrill fades, they begin to reminisce about the 80%—the emotional safety, understanding, and depth they once had. At this point, they quietly start watching your life from afar, often through social media or mutual friends.

   “They won’t reach out immediately,” says Zulu. “Their pride won’t let them. But curiosity eats away at them.”

4. Reality and Regret
   Their curiosity eventually leads to heartbreak—for them. They discover that you’ve healed, grown, and perhaps even glowed up in your absence. You didn’t chase replacements. Instead, you turned inward, rebuilt yourself, and emerged stronger.

   “This is when they enter the karmic stage,” Zulu states. “They realize they lost someone who made them better, and they’ve only regressed since. That regret, that longing—it becomes their teacher.”

5. The Lesson They Can’t Unlearn
   As they try to re-enter your life, they’re often met with silence or a closed door. You've moved on. The relationship served its purpose, and you have no interest in going backward.

   “The greatest revenge,” Zulu concludes, “is not revenge at all. It’s glow and growth. It’s becoming the best version of yourself after someone mishandles you. That’s the justice the universe serves on your behalf.”

A Call to Self-Worth

Zulu’s message has resonated widely, especially with individuals who’ve struggled with post-breakup self-doubt or the confusing reappearance of past partners. His advice? Don’t be flattered by the return. Be proud that you grew into someone who no longer needs what once hurt you.

“Never let someone fumble you twice. If they couldn’t recognize your value then, their regret is not your responsibility—it’s their karma,” he says.

As relationships continue to evolve in the modern world, Zulu’s voice remains a steadfast reminder: healing is power, and peace is the ultimate glow-up.

April 16, 2025