Five Habits of Highly Functioning Couples
1. They give each other plenty of space.
Space to pursue other things like hobbies, interests and to be with friends. They have both intimacy and independence. They balance between freedom and closeness to make sure they’re both blossoming independently without getting swallowed by the union. Their union is neither the boundless ocean nor the confining fishpond. Rather, it’s a sizeable dam where they are both connected and free.
High stress couples, on the other hand, mistake being enmeshed with intimacy, and control with care. They fearfully grab each other and eventually stiffle all joy between them.
2. They don’t solve every conflict.
While they have a robust conflict resolution mechanism, they also let some things slide in the spirit of compassion and grace. They can see when something was genuinely unintended and they avoid the tension of confronting everything when they know their partner is innocent and well meaning. ‘It is their glory to overlook an offence.’ (Proverbs 19:11)
3. They take primary responsibility for their own needs and stability. They view their partner as someone who plays team with them to add resources and support, rather than someone who takes over the responsibility for making them happy. To this end they continue their personal enrichment activities in their spare time. They know what activities improve their moods and boost their confidence separate from their relationship, and they maintain a routine of doing them.
4. They have a high ratio of positive to negative interactions, or building versus repair activities. They have at least five deposits before there is one withdrawal from their love bank. They have more fun than fight.
This means their conflict level is low and relational stress is minimal.
High stress conflict couples, on the other hand, have this ratio inverted. They have many painful interactions before they have one pleasurable one.
5. They don’t fear breakup as much as they fear a dead or depressing union. They prioritise being healthy and happy above the social image of being married. They don’t marry for longevity but for fulfilment and growth. Their threshold for what is okay is very high. This doesn’t mean they have one leg out, but rather that they hold each other at a high esteem. There is no place for assuming each other or subtle disrespect because they know none of them is desperate. They’re together because they choose to, not because they have no choice.
Their marriage is a partnership of mutual interest, not a prison. It’s founded on high appreciation of each other and as a result it’s peaceful and blissful, even during hard times. Hard times usually press couples from outside, but they don’t stress them from inside. Only disharmony between the couple can do that.
(©️ Benjamin Zulu Global)
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