Hello Mr Zulu. You made a post about why it’s important to maintain a pure sexual life as a man, and that a hoe phase reduces your negotiating power when going for a suitor.
If as a man, I hoed, and my conscience will definitely inform me that I don’t deserve the best, since I’m not the best either. As the hunter in this case, I’ll know I don’t deserve a quality woman.
My conundrum is, if as a man, I was principled and collected, how will I know if the woman I’m pursuing also deserves me? Because with 3rd wave feminism comes calls for sexual liberation. So how will I know if the one I’m pursuing had a hoe phase, and she just whitewashed and repackaged herself for marriage?
In that post, if you could replace “man” with woman, then how would I know she hoed and doesn’t deserve me, if I was chaste.
Hey bro, a very important question there, and the answer is simply to listen to the story of her life. In your conversations, you’ll basically be sharing your journeys of life up to this point. If she had a wild phase, it’ll come up in the conversations even if only hinted at, and you can then prod, or she will be eerily silent about that phase of her life. This will raise your suspicion, and you’ll look closer.
If all her friends were clubbing or sharking with their boyfriends, that’s enough indicator that she was also in a similar lifestyle even if in a more moderated way. Friends are connected by values, or vices, and mindsets.
In short, your prudence and careful listening are the answers.
Also, remember it doesn’t mean you can not have a happy marriage with a person who had a loose phase of life. What’s important is to confirm that they have transformed in earnest and they’re not hiding that part of their life. Also, they should have had a period of growth after that. If they just came out of it a few months ago, they have not reformed yet. It takes at least a number of years for people to rise up from such a depth of self damage.
Marriage is a high calling, and you can’t just stagger into it after a decade of drunkenness or reckless living. It won’t work. One must have evolved themselves to a certain level, at least, in self-actualization, emotional self-regulation, and financial growth.