The Person Who Broke me Won’t Heal me-Benjamin Zulu
The person who broke me won’t heal me. I am better than the treatment i have allowed in the past, and my hurt won’t last. (A self-healing mantra from RC Blakes)
When people have hurt us, we remain with troubling questions, and if we’re not careful, we can fall for the trap of making the answers to those questions the condition for our moving forward. ‘I will forget all this if only they tell me why thet did this and that. I don’t mind letting them go, but I want to know what I did to deserve all this.
All these are other forms of expecting the same person who opened the wound to come and close it.
Sometimes you have to make your recovery your sole responsibility. It will hurt, but it will be immensely liberating. You should heal on your own schedule. To do this, you should invent a progressive distraction other than a relationship, something like signing up for a course or starting a business. This distraction doesn’t replace grieving what you lost. Rather, it accompanies it.
And why is grieving important? You grieve so that you can accept in your mind that the thing is dead. And just like in normal grieving, we often interact with the dead body or go to the grave. You should face the carcass of your dead relationship and actually accept that it’s dead. You do this by unravelling and going over all the wrong things you endured there. You do this with an objective friend or a professional, someome who is both neutral and caring.
If you don’t look back and unpack what happened, you will go through it again. This is because you can only extract the lessons in hindsight, and if you avoid retrospective analysis, it means you haven’t learnt.
Those who don’t understand their history are condemned to repeat it. Don’t be one of them.
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