We broke up 5 years ago, now he’s gotten married and I’m hurt- Benjamin Zulu
I have a question, I had a boyfriend whom we broke up 5 years ago. I recently found out that hes getting married to someone else and really got heartbroken since he was my first boyfriend and I’m still in love with him. to get my mind of him I decided to get into a relationship with someone else who is intrested in me. he loves me unconditionally and is willing to do anything to win me. thing is that I love him but not as much as I loved my ex. please advice what should I do? I’m 33 now but I got into my first relationship at 20. But that last one is the one eating me up.
That’s obviously a fixation, a cord you’ve failed to sever for too long. But the most critical question here is what was the purpose of these relationships? Where were you going with them?
I guess it was just the norm. But now I’d like to move on and start a family. But part of the problem was that I was feeling too lonely.
That’s the key, the core of the problem. You never learnt how to be happy alone. So you attached to your lovers in a dependent way as opposed to a healthy and complementary way. As a result you came to replace a healthy self esteem with being in love. You only felt complete when you felt loved by someone else. So when the lover you had attached most strongly to left a part of you went with them.
This explains the astonishing fact that you’ve been apart for five years but you still feel hurt when he gets married. The solution was to address that realisation, not trying to replace him with another man. I suggest you begin a personal journey to really discover who you are apart from relationships.
Time has gone and you may not have the privilege to stop everything to do this exercise. Especially if you already feel the need to settle. Self education and reflections, therapy, daily meditation sessions, affirmations about your divine purpose on earth, learning to appreciate your beauty, your talents, doing more of the things that make you happy. All these will help in this process.
Finally for all of us, when purpose is not clear abuse and loss are inevitable. She didn’t know why she was dating and so she couldn’t know how to date right. She ended up in a string of relationships that occupied critical self development time and left her with entanglements she has to work her way out of. Never get into a relationship just because you feel attracted to a person. Define where you’re going with your life and what you need to go there, and procure only those things that you need to there. Its a very valid reason to turn down a relationship just because ‘I don’t need a relationship currently.’
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