What Happens When you Establish Your Marriage on Unstable Foundations -Benjamin Zulu
You know i get this a lot where someone establishes their marriage on the most unstable foundation but when rain starts to beat them they come asking you to help them. But you’re not to address the foundation or ‘go back there,’ because it’s in the past,’ or ‘it already happened.’ And we must ‘live life forward.’
One lady said that ten years ago she married a man who was then 24 (a boy, really) while she was 27. Her problem is that the man, who is 34 now, still tells all their affairs to his parents, a habit she hoped he would outgrow, which has made their life a hell for her. But she wants to ‘be helped to move forward’ with the marriage because talking about the past is too painful for her. She has already tried all discussions and mediations and nothing has worked.
And I said the problem was not even the fact that she was older than him as she was suggesting, but that the guy is immature as a person. Not all men develop the character for being a reliable husband. To marry someone and hope to babysit them until they become a wife or husband is just outrageous. Imagine if a bank walked into a college to give all students loans to ‘pay when they start working.’ Not everyone who is in college will become a productive worker, or honest enough to pay theirloans. Similarly not all boys grow into men and husbands, and not all girls grow into women and wives.
So it’s a futile activity when your house is falling and you call in a contractor but you ask them not to address the foundation because ‘it’s in the past.’ The choice of a partner is the foundation on which your union sits and shutting your eyes and looking away doesn’t change that fact. Escapism and denial are only painkillers. Soon or later you must dig to the roots.
If you marry on a whim or get a partner at the height of overwhelming feelings like peer and family pressure or desperation, that’s the foundation you’ll have to deal with for many years.