Why Allot men Marry Wrong- Benjamin Zulu
A lot of men marry wrong because the lifestyle he had created was only attracting fake people. And which lifestyle is that? Overdoing and putting his achievements forward instead of his values.
And where did this come from? The father wound inflicted by a father who was either stern and strict, or totally abandonment.
There’s a difference between an absent father and an abandoning one. If the father is absent because of understandable circumstances the boy will usually adapt and try to compensate. Perhaps he died or mom locked him out. This kind of a father only leaves a gap that the boy will try fill up by associating with other healthy men, if he’s intentional about it. After all, he reasons, the dad may also be missing him wherever he is.
Remember the dictum? Women understand, but men reason. That is, the natural bend for daughters is to ‘cover up’ or compromise while the natural tendency for boys is to dig up and question. Sensitive versus sensible, affection versus reason.
An abandoning father, however, is one who is absenting himself from the boy by his own choice. He may be burying himself in work far away or coming home but keeping emotional distance. This kind of a father inflicts a wound of ‘I’m I not good enough?’ The boy tries to get his attention by over achieving or causing trouble. Eventually he settles into a silent resentment towards the father, which will occasionally bubble to the surface when the two cross. The father has no moral authority to correct the boy and if he tries it the boy reacts in a manner to suggest ‘and who are you again?’ The woman usually senses this estrangement and tries to avoid a clash of the two.
So with time this earning attention becomes his programming. In order to be acknowledged he must accomplish things. So he comes to life, and to dating, putting forward his money, his cars and gadgets. Those are the foundation of his feelings of pride. And what does this attract? Of course, materialistic people. So should anything happen with his earnings he finds himself abandoned.
A stern father has the same effect of unpredictability and fear. This makes the boy fearful and self doubting. This means in dating he can’t dare be vulnerable. He replaces personal connection with goodies and control. So of course, this attracts people who fall in love with his hand, seeing as his heart is hidden.
How to get out of the loop? Stop and heal. Stop carrying his crosses over you. Unlearn the lie that you are what you do and get in touch with your true being. This may need a lot of psychological help but it’s worth it.
A healed man lives by values, not valuables. Things like honesty and being true to your words. Punctuality, competency, loyalty.
If you’re a father go down and befriend your son. He craves your friendship. It will mean the world to him.
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